Stab and twist. Repeat.

Before I start my story, let me apologize. I have a long, hilarious post that I was going to put up. The reason it is hilarious is because I didn't actually write any of it, it's just a lot of awesome quotes. I was super excited about putting it up, but I just can't bring myself to finish it. Not right now anyway. I might post it later tonight, but right now, I has story.

Okay, so picture this. You're at work, when the boss makes a totally innocent comment. Your co-worker, (yes, those of you who know where I work, it does NOT technically qualify as work, but I'm leaving it open so identities are sound. The feds man. Swarming all over...) starts laughing. You ask what's up. She replies, "Sorry, that just reminds me of this past weekend when I was having sex with my boyfriend." What do I do? Nothing. I just kinda laugh along with her. But inside I'm broken for her. 

I'm hanging out with the same girl later, and we're talking and such. So she starts talking about more stuff like that, and again, what do I do? I go along with it. Even though inside I'm screaming, "DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO YOURSELF?" 

Now I know that I'm no saint. I have no right to judge, so I don't. But it absolutely brakes my heart to hear about someone doing that. Not everyone is as blessed as me when it comes to guys. My close guy friends and my wonderful boyfriend are all a.) virgins and b.) are going to stay that way. And the same with my girlfriends too. So when I hear someone talk about that, even someone who I'm not really all that close with, it makes my insides twist up in a knot. 

I think that making love is a beautiful thing, but not now. Not when you have your whole life to meet the right guy. I'm not going to give everything that I have to offer to someone when I'm A TEENAGER. I don't judge the people that have, but I know for a fact that it is a sin. And sins disguise themselves as beautiful things. If they were ugly, then people wouldn't be drawn to them. 

So now, rolling over and over in my mind, are all the things that I could have said. I dropped the "I have a super awesome boyfriend" line, but the people I was with didn't seem interested. I mean, come on, who wants to hear about a couple that took a year of liking each other to go out, and three months before they held hands? We're not half as thrilling as the relationships that were being talked about. I heard all about one girl's friends that have been going out a year and a half and "OMG they haven't done it yet." Well guess what. Some couples go out a year and a half without kissing. Crazy no?

I guess tonight is just the first time I've thought about the fact that I'm actually at the age where people do that. I mean, I've known people who do do that for a long time, but tonight was the first time I realized that I'm kind of an exception to what people do when they're my age. Which is really trippy. I live so much in my "God bubble" I forget that people aren't all in it. I'm with my clean cut, forgiven friends all the time, and I forget that people are broken. I only see the brokenness as it's being healed. I don't see it and don't think about the fact that some people don't have that healing power in their lives. 

The good Christian thing to do is to be an example in the girl's life. But am I actually worthy to be? I mean, here I am, blogging about what I should have done, when I should be out in the world doing so much more. This is one girl. There are millions more. Billions. And God has for some reason given me this amazing guy who has changed my perspective on things so much. Why is there so much brokenness? Why can't they all have guys like Scott? And why, WHY has God laid it on my heart to be a voice? I'm honestly not that strong of a person. Even if it's just for this one girl, I feel like I'm supposed to help bring change. But how am I supposed to be an influence when her just mentioning sex made it hard to say anything other than cheap jokes? 

Wash Away by Joe Purdy is a wonderful song. If you haven't heard it, look it up. It's the perfect song to be listening to as I'm furiously typing this out. God does wash away sins. God does make us whole. Maybe, just maybe, He can also give me the strength to let other people know that fact. At risk of sounding stereotypical, or God forbid a religious freak, I want to be used in extreme ways. I want to walk on water. But I'm just not sure I'm brave enough to take that first step out of the boat. I know that I have to, if I ever want to do something amazing. But it would be kinda nice if Jesus were behind me pushing me out of the boat, instead of making me rely fully on rickety boats, terrifying waves, and the fact that He is keeping me afloat. The least he could do is bribe me with chocolate. But no, this has to be a total faith thing. And who knows? I may fail miserably. But at least I will have tried.

though it is terrifying, I'm going to step out of the boat. 

Peace off, 

Gracie